Sunday, July 11, 2004

April Fools Day.

By Carl Sundberg
Pulse columnist
April 01, 2004

Keeping up with the ever-changing world of entertainment can be difficult. So, for brevity's sake, here are the top ten headlines in the music world this week:

1. Dashboard Confessional is holding a seminar tomorrow on being "emo." The conference, held in singer Chris Carrabba's basement, will teach anyone who is interested in expressing their inner confusion, turmoil and breakup misery how to do so properly. Some of the highlights include: Finding that perfect black skin-tight T-shirt that truly expresses your inexpressible pain, how to steal your dad's horn-rimmed glasses and learning the best words that rhyme with "hurt" so that you can strum sad songs on your acoustic guitar for that girl or boy who just dumped your sad ass.

2. In August, Korn will be releasing a "Best Of" album, featuring an unreleased track called "Anger." The song, glorified by fans through KaZaA, has lead singer Jonathan Davis breaking wind for a miraculous 12 minutes and 36 seconds while the rest of the band punches and kicks their instruments around the studio.

3. Nickelback has canceled its tour due to the fact that the band sucks.

4. This week, Tupac Shakur releases yet another album from the grave entitled "Zombie Christ." Guests on the album include Kurt Cobain, Marvin Gaye and Elvis Presley. Shakur's publicist denies that the album was recorded recently in a secret underground complex in New Mexico, but eyewitnesses from the region report seeing the four "dead" stars traveling in a Dodge minivan with sunglasses on.

5. Courtney Love was found in a hotel room Monday night doing coke off the stomach of The Darkness bassist Frankie Poullain. When asked about the incident, Poullain replied, "Livin' the dream, man. Livin' the dream." Love simply stated, "bleehssfhcchthmppchhsshh..." and then tripped and fell into a puddle of mud.

6. Speaking of which, Puddle of Mudd is set to release a new album with singer Wesley Scantlin breaking wind into a microphone for a whopping 13 minutes and 12 seconds, while the rest of the band punches and kicks their instruments around the studio. When asked if they were ripping off the song by Korn, Scantlin replied, "I'm allergic to corn. I only eat meat." The reporter's head then melted.

7. Last night, American Idol star Clay Aiken was seen leaving a Holiday Inn in Los Angeles with 14 strippers, a live chicken and 18 pounds of hash. When Aiken was asked about the situation, he smiled widely, looked far out into space, and said, "This is what being an idol is all about."

8. The Strokes lead singer Julian Casablanca ironically died of a massive stroke Monday night while writing a song called, "Maybe this is it."

9. Following the recent trend of same-sex marriages, Britney Spears on Tuesday married Madonna in Hollywood, Calif. When asked if this was just a publicity stunt, Spears quickly said, "No way. Ever since that kiss at the awards show, I've been in love with her. There is nothing false about this whatsoever." Madonna declined to comment, but in an unrelated story she has gone into the studio to record a new album of Pepsi jingles.

10. After another "wardrobe malfunction" during a recent taping Monday for "The Tonight Show," Janet Jackson gave up on music and decided that the porn industry is far more lucrative.

That's your entertainment news for the week of April Fools' Day. Bitch.


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